Pokémon is getting edgy.
Kids, current parents who were way too into Pokémon in the '90s, and other weirdos are anticipating the new, live action Pokémon movie, Detective Pikachu.
Any why not? Ryan Reynolds looks hot as heyall in that cute little Pika outfit and it's the first live-action entry for the franchise.
The question on the tips of literally every human being's tongue is: What will happen?
But that's not why you come to Hoary Gamer. You don't come here to get the same boring predictions every other loser on the Internet is throwing at you. You come here because we ask the tough questions that no one else has the frijoles to ask. Like: What will definitely NOT happen in Detective Pikachu?
You're in luck, because we've been poring over the footage and details released so far to determine three things that absolutely won't happen in Detective Pikachu:
Tim and Pikachu fall into a days-long love affair that ends with one of them murdering the other
The main human character, Tim (Justice Smith) is a 21-year-old in search of his missing dad. That kind of vulnerability just screams codependency issues.
But, that doesn't mean the entire movie will become a will they/won't they scenario, finally culminating in a days long love affair where Tim and Pikachu simply lock the door and forget the outside world even exists.
Even if that did happen, Pikachu definitely wouldn't then start talking about his hopes and dreams — none of which seem to involve Tim — ultimately enflaming Tim's jealously to the point where he murders Pikachu in cold blood.
Nor would Pikachu see Tim's social media posts of photos with friends, including a young girl whom he has his arm around, enflaming his jealously to the point where he murders Tim by electric shock.
While the relationship between humans and Pokémon has always been kind of weird, it seems unlikely the producers of the film would go this route.
A new Trump-themed Pokémon will be revealed
The Pokémon franchise does not have a history of getting political, nor of creating types of Pokémon that resemble real people, so it seems very unlikely that they would jump into the foray with one of the most divisive political figures in modern history.
So Detective Pikachu probably won't have a new Pokémon called something like "Trumpty Dumpty" that is some kind of horrifying combination of Humpty Dumpty and Donald Trump.
While Detective Pikachu would be a good time to reveal a new Pokémon, we're predicting it won't be one inspired by Donald Trump. There, we said it.
Ryme City will be renamed Poop City
Not much more to say here. Why would they do that? Seems pretty stupid and unlikely.
What are your predictions for Detective Pikachu? Oh right, WE DON'T CARE.