I'm sure I'm not the only one who gets irrationally pissed off at kids today who complain about having even a single 30-second commercial play while they binge-watch 10 episodes of "True life of a squid tamer" or whatever the hell is popular these days. Considering the fact you can now watch basically anything you want at any time with a simple free trial, they don't know what it's like having commercials take up one-third of your TV-watching time.
Now that I'm done being the old man yelling at clouds, I will also admit that commercials in the '90s were also kind of good. Okay, "good" might be a bit of a stretch, but they at least had some effort put into them and tried to be entertaining. If they couldn't be entertaining, then you can bet your ass they would have a song or jingle scientifically engineered to get stuck in your head. Man, did they ever succeed at that.
I probably could've learned three languages with all the brain space taken up by these stupid songs still living in my head over 20 years later. And you know what? They're probably still clogging up your brain somewhere deep down too, so let's revisit these '90s commercials living rent-free in your head to this day.
Socker Boppers
To be real with you, I thought I was having a stroke when looking this one up. I knew these were called Sock’em Boppers, not Socker Boppers, yet rewatching the commercial shook me to my core when I saw the name was different. It was another Berenstain Bears situation, and my fragile sense of self couldn’t handle that.
Thankfully, it turns out they were called Sock’em Boppers until they were sued for trademark infringement by Mattel and their Rock’em Sock’em Robots brand.
As for the toy itself — what the hell was even the point? Kids didn’t need more excuses to punch siblings, and the quarter inch of air padding certainly didn’t stop any nosebleeds. Good times.
Baby Bottle Pops
I have many questions about this candy, most important being who in the hell thought a candy made to look like a baby’s bottle would be cool? Seriously, was any kid looking at a literal baby drinking from a bottle thinking, “What a badass”?
Still, we put up with looking like drooling idiots for this sweet, sweet lollipop coated in sugar. Thinking back, there’s really no difference between a lollipop and a pacifier or bottle anyway, so this just cut out the middleman.
Bagel Bites
If you didn’t have Bagel Bites every afternoon when you got home from school, sorry, but your childhood sucked. And no, homemade pizza bagels don’t count. Get that crap out of here and give me the artificial cheese and preservative-packed bagel dough.
This ad was right on the money, too. I could, and did, have Bagel Bites at all hours of the day.
Doublemint Gum
I don’t know why, but I always thought Doublemint was more of an “adult” gum, like Trident. Maybe that’s because it was mint flavored and not … candy? Come to think of it, what the hell flavor is bubble gum supposed to be anyway?
Regardless, this ad featured a bunch of twins which was awesome because, and I mean this in the most PC way possible, it’s just cool to see twins doing ridiculous stuff together like a team slam dunk.
Perfection board game
Perfection can go to hell, but I will say that this ad did one thing right: perfectly match the stress of the actual game. This mega-chin announcer dude is as ‘90s as it gets, but in all the wrong ways.
When the ad gets to the end and pieces explode out of his shirt (or inside his body?) I lose it. Just thinking about this game and that constant timer until it eventually slams up and launches all the pieces gives me anxiety.
Jell-O
Jello-O marketing people really had to stretch for something to associate with this weird … food I guess you’d call it? Dessert? I don’t know, but the best they could do was say, “look how it jiggles. It’s like it’s alive!”
Quality of Jell-O aside, whoever wrote the baseline in this ad deserves a Grammy or something.
Skip-It
I wanted a Skip-It so bad … right up until I got one and repeatedly sliced my ankles with it. Again, this is another instance of ‘90s toys having idiotic designs. I mean, I almost expect the hoop to have a metal ring around the inside to really cause some damage.
Even the catchy Skip-It tune couldn’t ease the pain.
Goldfish
Goldfish is somehow the best and worst snack ever made. They don’t really taste that good, but something about their fish shape makes them addictive.
This ad had to bend over backward to try and come up with something that made this cheese cracker seem healthy. Uh, I don’t know, they’re baked? Yeah! That means they’re super healthy, right?
Pringles
If you need a 30-second clip that encapsulates the ‘90s, look no further. You got rap, you got rollerblades, you got fast cuts, frosty-tipped haircuts, and a can of chips.
The ad itself is whatever, but did bring us the iconic “Once you pop you can’t stop” slogan that still shows up today.
Hot Pockets
The slogan has since devolved into just saying the name “Hot Pockets” in a slightly sing-songy voice, but those of us around to see the commercial back then may remember the whole thing being “What’re you gonna pick? Hot Pockets!” Granted, that’s not a huge leap up in advertising, but it worked.
Hot Pockets should’ve never caught on. The idea was fine, but the execution was a game of Russian roulette of whether or not you would bite down into half-frozen dough, or squirt flaming hot cheese in your mouth.
